Colorful, eh? I associated every thought with what color I could feel...

Warning: Long rant, please take the time to hear me out if you read the shout out...

Feeling bad for myself as always...meh...I know a lot of other people have it worse...but these are my problems and I need to rant from time to time too...hm...I started crying half-way through working on this...still crying just a little bit...but I'll be fine...and just so you know, that whole rape crap, that was over 5 years ago....I'm well over that...and I'm doing fine...talking about it doesn't even bother me...I don't have sleep apnea anymore...but it was caused from over-sized AND swollen tonsils...so they were removed...and my sleeping patterns still suffer...doesn't help that I have other problems preventing me from sleeping at this moment...not to mention dizzy spells and weakness that lack of sleep does not help with...as for my 16th birthday...I got...two pictures (from *Blue-haired-farmer and ~Virgil-Madison), a pack of pencils, and got to have *Blue-haired-farmer and ~SPD-Black-Ranger up for a weekend...I was a bit disappointed that not many people even wished me a happy birthday, but eh, I'm still happy with what I got...My dad said something at Wal-Mart that was just making me think about my birthday...I was looking at Pokemon cards and he came up to me and said "Tell me which ones you want so I can save up for it and get it for you for your birthday." Me:"Dad...my birthday was two months ago...don't worry about it"............and that's another thing....my family is poor...we have to pay for my sister's thousands and thousands of medical bills...she's having constant tests done, her insulin and other diabetic supplies aren't exactly cheap, and she has a few other problems besides diabetes that she's on medication for....causing even more money to be spent.....but...not only that...she's having these unnecessary operations done and going out to eat to this ice cream place whenever she wants and goes to the rodeo almost every weekend...mom takes her everywhere and me and dad are stuck here with my brother and his wife all the time...dad's tired of mom being all over Skylar and worrying so badly over her stupid boy drama that he told them that he was planning on leaving us and not coming back. He told them he was tired of it. Hell, we don't even do anything anymore...we barely go out to eat on Wednesdays to our normal place like we always used to..."we don't have the money"....but mom....you took Skylar to Huffy's just yesterday! D<...ugh....when I ask for one thing once and a while...I never get to do it...and it's always the same excuse..."we don't have the money." We never have the money! I understand my parents do a lot for me, like take me out to eat a bit often and we go on vacation at least twice a year (Florida for the Fourth, and Cades Cove in November)...but can't I do or get little things once and a while? I mean I'm barely old enough to even work at a grocery store...and I have all this stress piled on my back to where I don't even feel like working around the house or even drawing sometimes! I've given up...I just say I want something and tell them to get it for me for Christmas or my birthday...that's the only time I get anything from them anyhow.......I love my family...I really do....well except maybe my brother....but I have every reason under the sun to hate him....wanna know why? he's the one that raped me for five years straight. That's why. He's not even supposed to live here...but my parents can't keep paying for his stupid rent and bills when he's too lazy to get a job for himself....even though he has a wife and a child on the way now, he just sits there and plays WoW all freaking day! ALL DAY. His wife is pregnant, goes to school, AND works. Think he could at least do something? NO. He just fusses at her, telling her that she doesn't do enough! Heck, then when they do finally get money, they waste it on some game or going out to eat at expensive restaurants...then when they're here, all they do is fight and argue over the stupidest crap! ugh....it scares me to death every time...the way my brother screams and hits...his wife is going to miscarriage, I know it. =_= Also reminds me of the way my brother used to scream and hit mom...I tried to get between them...and half the time I felt it was my fault...eh....ah well.....I also feel like an art newb because of him....him always saying things look horrible...it used to just make me mad and caused me to draw something amazing...but now...it just makes me depressed because I have it drilled in my head that I'm a bad artist...I study my anatomy...I've been studying and testing all these different coloring techniques...all sorts of stuff.....aaand this is why I don't like school...I could do sooo much better on my career of choice if I wasn't dragged to school every day of my life. I'd be able to research and practice more often...heck, in art class at school, I didn't really learn anything besides a few painting techniques I'll never use...I honestly think I'd be a lot better off not going to school...but I'm still going because I don't want to be like my brother and I don't want my parents to be disappointed....they're stressing me to go to college...but I don't wish to go....I'd probably just be a failure at that like I am in high school....always missing and getting behind...it'd just be way too stressful for me to deal with....I don't want to do it....so as of now, I'm not planning to do so. I know plenty of successful people that didn't go to college...my parents didn't....and we're making a living...we have shelter...we have food....we have insurance...and we even get to go out from time to time....I just want to get away a lot....I make up things and draw and get so into my characters and their stories...that I just loose myself in it all.....it distracts me...and I need it.....but I do insist on talking and working out problems when I get to them....I find something I like and it gets personal to me...so I stick to it.....I doubt I'll change too...because I'd rather not change when things are working and it's making me calmer and happier....Right now...there's one person that really helps me escape....that's *Blue-haired-farmer...we're always talking and we can always just...sit around and not do anything...but we both feel happy and we're not alone....there's a connection between us...we're so alike....and we could probably think and act just like the other and no one would know....we're so much alike...and I haven't felt closer to another being in my life....her and ~SPD-Black-Ranger have made me very happy....not that any of my other friends haven't....but they just stand out to me is all....I love all my friends and as it says, I'd rather see someone else happy and hurt myself, than just sit back and watch them be unhappy....also...that's why I'm not giving up on life...because I see my purpose is to help make others' lives a little less painful...I'm a bit numb on my own emotions from it....I don't mind crying or being upset...I actually would rather cry than not be able to like I have been since last June...and in actuality, seeing someone else smile because I helped them obtain that happiness is my reward and happiness....and the whole following the crowd thing...I don't make fun of people or stop hanging around someone because what someone else says about them..."oh they did this! You shouldn't be with them!"...so? Everyone makes their mistakes and has their own opinion...I accept everyone's difference, even if I find it odd or strange....I just want to help those in need and give them a friend....but most of the time my shyness gets in the way and I can't do a thing about it. It's getting a little better...but eh....I have people that hate me because I don't talk...I can't stand it...I really can't...I try to talk...I try to think of things to say...but. I. CAN'T. Ugh.....

OK, I think I'm finally done ranting....it actually took me over an hour and a half to type everything and color the picture....if you don't read everything, that's fine, whatever...getting everything out has made me feel better....whether no one reads or not....

Cheru, Sutarou, art (c) me